How A Regulated Parent Nervous System Transforms Your Child’s Behavior w/ Dr. Ray Doktor EP 197 Artwork

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How A Regulated Parent Nervous System Transforms Your Child’s Behavior w/ Dr. Ray Doktor EP 197

December 02, 2025 • Anita Mattu • Episode 197

0:00 | 51:23

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How a Regulated Parent Nervous System Transforms Your Child’s Behavior w/ Dr. Ray Doktor EP 197

What if the most powerful parenting tool isn’t a script, a strategy, or a consequence — but your own nervous system? In this conversation, Dr. Ray Doktor shares how a parent’s internal state becomes the quiet teacher shaping a child’s behavior, confidence, and sense of self.

We explore practical ways to create emotional safety at home, from breath cues and tone awareness to boundaries that feel steady rather than harsh or permissive. Ray opens up about his own journey into fatherhood and the rituals that helped his son thrive through uncertainty, social pressures, and online influences.

You’ll learn:

How your nervous system directly affects child behavior
Tools for co-regulation and emotional resilience
What to say (and not say) during big emotional moments
How to use stories and films to teach feelings + identity
Navigating social media without damaging self-worth
Repairing ruptures and owning parental projections
How transparency builds trust at any age

If you’re ready to parent with more calm, clarity, and connection, this episode is a must-listen.

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Setting The Stage: Calm Parents

Dr. Ray Doktor 2:13

Your relationship with your child is only gonna get as good as your nervous system is. Meaning that you're if you don't have some type of control with your nervous system, it doesn't matter what you say, your fear, your stress will shape their their reality experience.

Dr Ray’s Unusual Fatherhood Journey

Anita Mattu 2:32

Today's guest is Dr. Ray Doctor, a best-selling author whose book was published by the team behind The Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, Doctor Ray has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Eckhart Toll. His expertise has been featured on the eChannel, HBO, and KCal9 Los Angeles, as well as in Psychology Today, Men's Health, and the Los Angeles Times. Welcome, Dr. Ray.

Dr. Ray Doktor 3:25

Thank you for having me.

Anita Mattu 3:28

I'm really excited for this conversation. As you know, we both have children. We're passionate about helping children as well. With that said, what is one of the most courageous things that you have done?

Dr. Ray Doktor 3:41

Well, as a parent or in life in general, or in any any specific thing uh that you like to me s to speak upon. I think parenting is quite courageous, particularly if if you take on a lot of uh uh tension in it in which you you maybe want to run from it.

Anita Mattu 4:00

Yeah, definitely. Let's go with that.

Nervous System First, Parenting Second

Dr. Ray Doktor 4:03

Okay, all right. Well, uh I have a probably one of the most unusual uh stories, which can lead to a lot of um uh questions and hopefully answers. Um, because I would say that there's not many people who've had a child this way. So my son was already five and a half months old when he arrived, and that meant the mother of my child kept that from me. And I don't need to get into her story. So I did the whole DNA test and everything else. But you can imagine certain things, such as a child would go through, which I'm gonna bring this up here, and it's it'll help kind of listeners who are very passionate about learning new tools of how to guide their children. And that is he uh grew up in a home where he never saw us together. He never saw mommy daddy, and so of course he's being exposed to uh TV programs or films where there's a mommy and daddy. So you imagine that might might have created some curiosity for him. Two, he moved a lot when he was with his mother, and then he ended up being with me full time. So there's been what people would label as instability. Um he did uh witness, when I say witness, uh, it's one thing to witness, it's another thing to experience. So he had witnessed some drama. Uh, I even wrote about it in my book where his mother was mugged while holding my son, and she had a gun pointed to her head. So I can go on little like a lot of you know, things that had happened with him, and he is beyond confident. He's happy, he's thriving. And it's by my way of parenting, probably, that has influenced him to not allow any of those things to shape him, which is what has kind of created the idea of wanting to guide other parents in this direction, because many parents have their own story. You know, everyone thinks they're unique or special, and this is not to invalidate your experience. But oftentimes the parents will say, My kid is this way because they're a second child, or they're this way because your mother or dad wasn't around, or my child acts this way because he moved around a lot. You know, all these different stories, and more and often what parents don't realize is these factors. Number one, your relationship with your child is only going to get as good as your nervous system is, meaning that you're if you don't have some type of control with your nervous system, it doesn't matter what you say, your fear, your stress will shape their their reality experience. Um number two, how you see life and whether or not you are matching what you teach is going to have a big effect of whether or not they believe and trust you, your direction, because if you're not aligned with your words, why would they be? Um, number three, that you need to give them options as far as decisions when it comes to earth and give it to them straightforward. For example, um, my son practices sarcasm. Okay, and sarcasm is great if you're from New York, okay? Sarcasm might not be great if you're in a culture where they're hypersensitive. Okay. So, you know, with my son, he hasn't been well received in some situations. So when I say options, it's we love sarcasm. We don't take things so seriously, we have a good time, Max. However, this type of person might respond this way, this person might respond a different way, and this person might respond another way. Uh, you can choose how you want to show up, just as long as it's authentically you. So, for example, if I know people are not gonna laugh at my sarcasm, more than likely I'm not gonna keep exercising it. It's not because I'm not changing who I am, it's just more of a kind of a social thing. It's it's just more so I can create connections in a way where I can be experienced as being relatable. So I teach my son how to be relatable, but that would be an example of like saying you shouldn't do this. All people are gonna be this way. It's saying that, you know, if you want to be received, typically you need to be flexible. You need to be flexible. And um, there's a lot of I would say non-parenting, a lot of permissive parenting. People, a lot of parents don't know how to parent. Uh, they're trying to do the opposite as the the what that the baby boomers did or the great generation did. They're they're they're maybe overcompensating and giving too many choices where children feel insecure and anxiety because they're not clear themselves and they're yearning for an adult, you know, a parent to show up.

Anita Mattu 9:23

Absolutely. I love that. And it's so true, allowing the child to be who they are, we're guiding them but without criticizing them as well and being with it. Absolutely. And you have some great points like why should kids not have social media accounts early in life and what happens when they confuse virtual identity to real life self because that's something really I mean, who isn't on social media? The children are on it all the time, or at least they're on devices where they can access social media. I really understand. I'd love to know more about that.

Teaching Flexibility And Relatability

Dr. Ray Doktor 10:04

Well, if they don't have a strong sense of self, and then they're being exposed to different realities, like extremes, to where they might be watching uh an influencer offer no values to, but they're still being liked because they're physically attractive based off consensus reality, then you know they might be wondering, well, what is it gonna get me for being a great person? You know, when this person's kind of a jerk or something. There's not very good role models to if other children are paying attention to other people's social media accounts, um, and that virtual reality becomes like some like I don't know what that would be like. I didn't experience that. I just remember the jocks and the cheerleaders, you know, maybe being popular. I remember the popular. It was always what we would consider physically beautiful, being or handsome, being unpopular people, sometimes a person with money because they drove some type of car. It was very superficial. But you know, people I get get some type of um social currency by just having their post be liked, and it might be just a photo offering nothing, offering nothing, you know. I noticed that my son, because he has a YouTube account, and he has 10,000 followers, he's been through different phases through that uh-oh. And meaning that he has I try to direct him a little bit in sharing positive content. Of course, a lot of that had to do with me and my projections and how I'd maybe want him to be perceived, and I had to let that go. But he's a pretty conscious awake hit. So I wanted that part. So we shot maybe two videos that are still up there and some other things. Then he posted stuff where it's kind of like slapstick, like stuff that I don't know, it almost appeared where he could come off as being mean or something. I said, you know, this is a glimpse of how people might perceive you and not really know you. Do you really want this to be out there? And he deleted stuff and I'm teaching him about that. You can't like just you just move forward. Because if you mess up with if if you mess up your YouTube account and start deleting people, what's gonna happen is that uh YouTube is gonna think you're like catfishing, or not catfishing, but clickbaiting, you know, because of fake advertisement, then you delete all the advertisement. So of course he got punished for that by the algorithms in YouTube. Then now he's creating something new, which is more comedy. And I and I think it's he's his timing is getting really good, and it's become a more of himself. But I've seen him go through this phase. And the reason why I'm sharing this is because I first start off with saying, This is how you should do it because I want to be a mini-me. Then he did something where I said, Oh, oh, I go, This is how you could be perceived. People are just getting a glimpse of you, they don't know you're this sweet, beautiful child. And then now he's kind of seems like he's kind of moving a little bit more into his groove, finding himself, you know, and it's like that's all you can really do as a parent. But what's interesting, he has a lot more traffic than his fellow students. They're saying, like, could you, could you um I don't know, plug me, you know, share a peep, you know. I don't know how my son's videos took off, but they did. Yeah, and his friends might compare themselves with my son Max. And yet my son Max doesn't really care. I mean, it doesn't even mean much to him, because I've said to him, these people don't even know who you are on YouTube. Like, you know, you you create a video. If you're excited about the creation, great. But if he he was prepped by some of the comments also, I said, remember, people can have a bad day and say something. They're just working it out with you. So I prepped him about the whole social media thing. And the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I don't know if other parents are skilled to do that. You know, like uh meaning that if you're not skilled to do that and you don't know how to help your kid like develop that confident the confidence, you don't want social media and influencers who have no values raise your child. You don't want that collective narrative to raise your child. So my son wanted to enter it and I prepared him for it. I I you know I there's a in Wreck It Ralph, I think Wreck It Ralph 2, there where he's trying to raise money to save something. It's a good cause. And he makes some videos where he's kind of seen as an idiot. And he breaks into the the back end of where the video is being shown, and then someone tries to shell like like protect him from seeing the comets, and he starts reading the comments, and they're negative. Look at this buffoon, look at this idiot, like really harsh things. And he goes into dark echo chamber, and someone tries to share in the movie, like this is it's really good, like it's it's good learning. These people don't even know who you are. They that this has nothing to do with you. I think it's a great film to watch for kids.

Anita Mattu 15:31

Yeah, like that.

Dr. Ray Doktor 15:32

So we stopped that. You know, when that movie came out, I showed Max when he was younger. I said, and I pulled out my social media accounts, and I said, Look at this, look what this person's saying about me. They don't even know you, Dad. I said, I don't know. I I know. I go, while I'm having breakfast with you right now, someone's thinks they're mad at me.

Kids, Social Media, And Identity

Anita Mattu 15:49

And I love that because I love record Ralph and yeah, breaks the internet. Absolutely love those movies. And it's so true because algorithms, the followers, the likers, they're not seeing, like you said, the true person that is real, really there, the real self. Absolutely. Yes.

Dr. Ray Doktor 16:09

Yeah, it's um I I would love for more of my son's real personality to come out. We've done some fun stuff, but um, he's gotta find himself in that. So I let go, I I let go of that. But I had the idea we were gonna try to get him up to a hundred thousand followers and he would provide value, and I ended up stepping back from it. Yeah, I'd allow it just to be kind of a hobby for him.

Anita Mattu 16:35

Absolutely, and that's courageous as well, allowing them to be their own person because so many times we want them to be a certain way, like you did say. And you've got to give them that chance to be who they are, and sometimes they've gotta have a little fall to find out what it's really like. We can't protect them all the time, we can be there as a buffer, absolutely.

Dr. Ray Doktor 16:58

And I again, this is something that has helped my son. It's what has helped my girlfriend's son, who's like a stepchild to me, is transparency. Yeah. Transparency. And if a person hasn't done therapy or any type of deeper inner work, it is really uncomfortable for them to be themselves. They there's many parents out there who want to be cool to their child, they want to be liked by their child. Um, they are lacking confidence in their own life as an adult at work and so forth. So, of course, they might hide that from the children, but children are pretty intuitive and pick up on that. So, as an example, you know, with my son, with when I got a little frustrated with some of the videos because I am human, I said, you know, Max, I'm sorry, I'm gonna share with you an insecurity. And I said that this is something that I've have never faced. I said, I talk about you being a certain way on Facebook, and many of my friends who have met you think you're pretty amazing. And you really are those things. And I said, So when you make these other videos, I have had I have I I made it about me where I'm like, oh my god, they're gonna think this way about him. Like, here's Dr. Ray talking about his kid, but he's doing his thing that looks a little bit strange or cringy. That would be a he was making some. It's funny how I adopted that word. He he's he is my my son made some cringy videos. And I just, you know, and I and I personalized it, and I said, Max, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me, but I want to like let you know how how I feel about it. And that those are my thoughts. Like, I don't hide thoughts, I don't hide projections. And he ended up deleting them. I said, Well, I hope you didn't do it for me. He said, No, I step back and I kind of recognize that yeah, it is kind of that way, and I don't want to be seen that way.

Anita Mattu 19:13

It's a lesson learned, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. So, how do we teach kids real life discernment through concrete, honest examples?

Dr. Ray Doktor 19:23

Well, one of them was you know, one of the the examples, but I can make up a few right now. So I think that for example that we were talking about social media, the idea of bullying. And what I use always is TV and film. And what I mean by that is that typically on TV, they'll sh there's some type of hero's journey. There is some challenge where the character has to break through whatever that experience is, you know, go, you know, fight their demons, and then hopefully they become this better person or something like that. And so one of the ways that I will do this is by when we watch a movie, and it's not all the time, but it is for sure I I do it when it's a narrative that our family doesn't agree with. So, for example, we were watching a comedy last night, and it was where the mothers tell you stressed about Christmas and caught up in that narrative of stress. You buy presents for people that you don't even care about, and you just do this thing. And I stopped the movie and I said, You know that that thought exists, right? I go, Do you notice during the holidays you see people kind of tense to the boys? They're like, Yes. I said, So is this true for us? They're like, no. I said, but if you believe that and you're like these people in the movie, you would be stressed out like that. So what is a question? What is all what a what can a holidays represent, whether you're Jewish, Buddhist, or Christian? A time with family, a time to connect, a time to be grateful. I'm like, yeah, you sound like a pagan. But anyway, I just said I mean, whatever you want to call it, I said it's it's because you know, we don't know exactly there's so many meanings behind it, you know. There's so many, no one can say it meant this. Absolutely, yeah. And so that's a life experience being taught through TV and film of like ways that we can experience life. That would be one. Or, and this might not sound really good, but I do have a bachelor's in human behavior. I also break down behavior, and it's not like I'm judging kids on the playground. However, I mean, when it's helpful, it had worked. And when we were, when when Max, a member, was five and six years old, there was this boy named Richard. And Richard really had a lot of behavioral problems. His parents were never around, grandmother didn't really pay attention, kind of yelled at him, and we can see him acting out, like doing things, like throwing things at people, punching. Yeah, like when I say behavioral issues, I'm talking about real issues. And so he like threw sand uh at Max. And, you know, most parents might say, you know, he's a bully or he's just learning. But the kid was also at an age where that probably is something that he should have learned. And so for Max to recognize some people this way, and you actually might grow up with people in life who are adults who are a-holes, you know, I we use everything as an experience. I said, Max, do you notice that when Richard's here, it doesn't seem like anyone pays attention to him? I go, what do you think that would feel like? Oh, I I would feel bad. I said, Yeah. I go, I know it sucked that he threw sand at you. I said, but what if that is his way of getting attention or acting out? I said, do you notice you're not the only person he this happens to? I go, have you ever seen his parents? Have you ever seen him be hugged? And you know, that was it. That's about as far as I went. I said, and I said, we we went to the playground, and there was this Max had this really amazing fire truck. And he was already over it. And I was gonna, you know, we were gonna get rid of it. I said, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna give it to Richard. Like, what? I said, Well, who do you think needs it the most? Who who needs it the most? So we went there and he brought it to Richard, and you should have saw him light up, like like almost like you're gonna, I didn't deserve this. You're gonna give this to me. So we gave it to him, and that shifted the relationship. He looked at Max a little differently, like he wasn't the enemy, wasn't someone that works something out and punch and whatever else, and that was it, you know. And Max had the experience of giving to someone who maybe felt like he had less.

Anita Mattu 24:29

That's absolutely beautiful. I love that. And it is just the simplest things, understanding, you know, seeing how it occurs for that child. And that's one of the biggest things. If you could just stop sometimes and just do that without getting caught up, oh, he's hurting my child or he's upsetting my child. But what's the reason behind it? If you can just stop and understand that how is that child becoming on how is he becoming the way he is? Absolutely, I love that.

Coaching A Child Through Online Feedback

Dr. Ray Doktor 25:02

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And uh Max is very caring, he does give. And we even had a moment where we were in Santa Monica and there was this Easter hunt experience, and where we weren't, I guess if you collected so many eggs, you could get some prize. And Max did not hear when we were supposed to jump in there and do it. And he jumped in there not too much sooner, but this parent got really angry. And I first, you know, I I I was a little triggered in that moment. I'm like, dude, like chill the F, you know, you know, chill out. They're here to have a good time. Well, your son, blah, blah, blah. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, wow.

Anita Mattu 25:53

Yeah.

Dr. Ray Doktor 25:53

And so Max is collecting the eggs. I said, Max, I said, Um, you see that boy over there? And it was that it was that man, man's son. I said, I want you to give him all your eggs. And he's like, Why? I said, I go, because first off, Max, I go, the prize that you're gonna get is cheap stuff that you're gonna, it's gonna break and whatever else. I said, This kid, it might mean more to him than you, and I go, you do this, we're gonna like go do something fun anyway. And he gave it to the kid, and you know, the kid was happy, and of course, the maybe the parent felt like a little off on that one. I was trying to teach a lesson honestly to an adult, also, and that was it. But you know, like we you know, showing up that way. I but I taught Max feels so much better. Absolutely. It does. The gifting.

Anita Mattu 26:52

Yeah.

Dr. Ray Doktor 26:52

So it's an action. We do it in action, we do it in real time, little moments.

Anita Mattu 26:58

And it's just so rewarding.

Dr. Ray Doktor 27:01

It is, yeah, yeah.

Anita Mattu 27:02

Absolutely, and it's natural, you know. There's no big deal about it.

Dr. Ray Doktor 27:08

Oh, yeah. I talk to the kids when they do something like, for example, um, I'm an old school parent, I'm an older dad, and where I've made the meal, and then they're just sitting there, and I'm like, I go, so uh I guess we don't need forks and knives and napkins or anything, you know, and they'll get up like and I'm like, just remember other people exist here as well. You need to contribute. So I'm about like, you know, showing up.

Anita Mattu 27:33

I'm right there with you on that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. How do we raise kids who aren't sheltered yet still preserve their innocence?

Dr. Ray Doktor 27:44

Okay, well, I think what you're saying is that how do we how do we not shelter children but also preserve their innocence, correct?

Anita Mattu 27:53

Yes, yes.

Dr. Ray Doktor 27:54

Yeah, so this is I'll give you an example or many examples. If you if you're aware of the Waldorf, Waldorf type of teaching, it's very experiential. And often they do not want children to be exposed to social media at all, maybe none at all. The pretty they could be pretty extreme with it, where um they shelter their kids from real life experiences with the idea that they don't want their child to become part of the matrix, like get lost in that, which I understand that they're trying to preserve the creativity. Like, for example, the opposite is parents who give their children an iPhone to distract them or iPad to distract them. There's nothing creative happening for that kid, they're checked out. The entertainment, the creativity is being done for them. So the idea behind that is for their children to keep access to the creative mind, correct? So it's a it's a beautiful thing. However, where I maybe disagree a little bit, a little bit, or where there's got to be a balance is this if all children are watching social media or or like or like they have access to a phone, or let's say 75, 70% of the children you be around know about the Marvel Heroes or kind of what's going on on Earth, and you show up to playground and know nothing, you're not gonna be relatable. That's extreme, like you don't even know what's going on.

Anita Mattu 29:43

Yeah, yeah.

Transparency And Owning Parental Projections

Dr. Ray Doktor 29:44

And that is not gonna be a good feeling for your child. And so um, it's really important for children to be exposed to things that you think that you think are gonna be positive for your family and that exercise the principles that you desire, that you choose media, you choose friends, you choose those who are taking personal responsibility to direct their lives and be around that collective narrative rather than victimhood and blame and gossip. So it's from the social media you might watch, you know, where there might be a balance. So you choose films like Soul or Wreck It Ralph or Thomas and Trains or something where there's true characters, you don't shelter them, but it's where you can help them with the narratives, you know, in the story uh to the people that you choose to be around. Like I know this some people can hear us and go, my God, this sounds like I would be judgmental. No, it's being discerning, it's being discerning because I know this like if you have a parent who doesn't put their the uh a friend or parent who doesn't have a like a decent like um go-to-bed time and where they have no boundaries, it is really difficult sometimes to have our kids hang out with them because our kids are gonna be up at 10 p.m. and we're the ones who are gonna deal with that the next day because the kids are honorary, they're all over the place, just they don't they didn't get a night, good night's sleep, they're not integrated. And so, you know, we want to be able to choose to our best abilities situations that are conducive to the alignment of our home. You know, that would be something we would you would you want to choose consciously as well. And then how this might lead to the even the question of of innocence, it's that you're given a narrative of possibilities of what can happen in a different home, how people handle things in real life, to even the idea of Of, like, for example, my son is 11. He he seems a lot older, but he is so sweet and likes to cuddle of me still. And let's say when it's come to him discover like him going through puberty or discovering himself to other changes in his body, that I would want him to know about certain things based off of where I think he is medically. I would want him to know about things that happen sociologically. I would want him to know about things that are impacting him harmonically. Like I would want him to have this information. And what really truly helps children is the transparent conversations, uh much information you can share with them that remains open and curious to where they have options in life. They have ways to think about those things. And rather than experience the harshness of life, to experience the I'll give you an example. Where I used to live, they really sheltered children there. I mean, a lot of the families like, oh my God. And uh my neighbor talked to me about his daughters, where you know, they got they're 11 years old and they heard another kid say shit, and they got offended. It didn't feel good to them. I'm like, oh my God, there's a lot worse words than that on this planet, and they're gonna hear, and of course, like they end up going to they went to a uh when they went to the um the middle school. I mean, these kids were they didn't watch anything other than PG, PG 13, their parents shelter them. They're going to middle school where they're doing drugs, having sex in a bathroom. Here, these kids are being exposed to extremes and not knowing what to do with it, shocked. And here his intentions were to preserve their innocence, and yet that innocence was met with other realities, which they don't know how to handle themselves. It's uncomfortable. You know, it's like a it's like a someone coming from the country and being thrown into New York. And it doesn't mean that you expose a child to harshness and city life and all this sexual stuff. It's that you recognize the world exists everywhere now. Children have phones, you just can't turn off the TV at the house.

unknown 35:05

Yeah.

Dr. Ray Doktor 35:06

Unless you're going to completely shelter your children where there's no TV, where they're homeschooled, where they're they're not exposed by other children, they have access to everything on the internet. Everything. So how do you how do you have those conversations in a loving way so they could they feel like they have some sense of control, they understand it more, you know, that it's not going to shock them. And that will preserve their innocence. I know that was a long-winded way to get there.

Anita Mattu 35:43

No, but absolutely, because here's the thing protecting them and it's about allowing them and having that trust with them so that they in turn can come to you and ask the questions without thinking, oh no, I can't go to my parents because we're not supposed to know about that. It's hiding behind the falseness of it as well. I absolutely get that. Yeah. It really is being open, honest.

Dr. Ray Doktor 36:11

Yep. We talk about everything in this house.

Anita Mattu 36:14

Yeah. Yes, I have done with my children, I can assure you. So what does it truly mean to teach a child self-regulation?

Real-World Discernment Through Stories

Dr. Ray Doktor 36:25

Well, let's break down the world, the word or words self-regulation. So first off, what is the true self? And what what I mean by that is many kids are defined by their emotions, pronouns, by their likes, and everything else. So for me, when I think of the self, I think of the capital self, and that is my true being-ness, my true existence. Like, for example, I I might be called Dr. Ray, but that's just a name for this human being that has is forever unfolding consciousness. I'm a soul before I'm a human being. I still exist in the spiritual world. So kind of like this physical apparatus is just a projection of what I know right now, opening up my mouth and talking. So who am I? What is the self? And so uh every parent has to come to some story with this. Like, and if they don't know themselves, how can they teach self-regulation? And self-so, from this perspective, self-regulation is two parts knowing myself and then being able to regulate myself, my emotions. Most people, when they think of self-regulation, they're thinking like, okay, all right, I'm about to I'm gonna have to do public speaking. Uh, I'm gonna have to speak in front of my class. I have um a class project where I have to do a demonstration. I'm nervous. Oh, okay, um, I'm gonna do a meditation exercise, or I'm gonna do what my father and I talked about, which is just imagine I'm just sharing to my father and not the whole class, and just stay in that focus. It might be a way to not let your nervous system override you and hijack what it is that you you really want to say and share. And so children today will be triggered by almost anything because they don't have a strong sense of self. And so if they don't have a strong sense of self, sure, maybe meditating could help. Sure, what what kid are you gonna get to meditate? You know what I mean? Uh sure getting to run out their energy outside to other focusing exercises and whatever. But what I find to be more effective and sustainable is back to what I shared earlier, and that is who are you? So a child can start moving into that space. You know, for that's why I like the movie Soul. There's other movies like animated films. There's a God, what was there's a movie where they they break down all the emotions, and it's made by the same same writer. I forgot what the name that is, and they sh they show the the kid being a small kid and become a teenager, and what is that movie?

Anita Mattu 39:53

I I I know exactly which movie you're on about, and there's a little blue um person. Uh yeah.

Dr. Ray Doktor 40:03

I'm I'm uh I'm gonna I'm I'm googling googling it right now. Okay, and um yeah, so it is because it's important because this would be really, really good, because this is even all right, yeah. I think the guy is it's the what's interesting is that is the name of the writer is uh has my name but spelled different. It's Pete Doctor. Believe it or not, that's my brother's name, Pete. Is that funny?

Anita Mattu 40:34

Yeah, he didn't do the film to write it.

Dr. Ray Doktor 40:38

So yeah, so I think this I it's in inside and out.

Anita Mattu 40:43

Oh yeah, of course. Yes.

Dr. Ray Doktor 40:45

Yeah, inside and out. All right, yeah. So in that movie, they merely show a small child growing up and going through different experiences and having different emotions. Our emotions is our guidance systems. They are not who we are. They're just our it's just our guidance system to know if something's working, if we're in our excitement or joy, or if you know we're being authentic. It's important to know. Number two, um, what we think about ourselves or the story outside of ourselves is a projection based off of our consciousness. Well, who is in a driver's seat with my consciousness? Where do those thoughts come from? All right, well, it might be my ego. It it, I don't know, maybe it's based off what how my emotions are influencing me. Maybe it's based off of what I I've come to know and my belief systems. It's all of that. It's all of that. But you know, who's the ghost and machine? Well, the ghost and machine is your consciousness. And if you want to say it's your soul or spirit moving through you as well, sure, you know, it could be that as well. But ultimate self-regulation is being able to align that human experience in that moment with your soul. That's what it is. It's bringing it back to this moment, such as if I were to do public speaking, or if a child was to be doing like a teenager had to speak in front of a class, or do something else that made you know him be uncomfortable, walk up to a girl he likes and say, Hey, I'd like to talk to you, whatever it is. When you when they take pause and breathe in their body, when they maybe are directed to like look outside, like I'm looking at nature right now, and I could lose myself in nature. There's gonna be that um the there's gonna be that moment in between my next thought or what comes in my mouth, which is the arrival of myself. It is teaching little skill sets to kind of be in that space before the thoughts. And so, therefore, a a child, a teenager like having to do a talk, she might be up there in front of the class. And she just closes her eyes for a moment, or she does something that works as a hypnotic cue, she starts connecting to her soul, who she is. And you know, these yogic techniques and breath work help that alignment. But that's why it works, is because in that moment, just with our breath, we arrive, and that's the ultimate like self-regulation, it's connection to our nervous system, it's also a connection to our soul.

Anita Mattu 43:51

Wow, beautifully put. I love that. Absolutely.

Dr. Ray Doktor 43:56

Thank you.

Anita Mattu 43:57

And you are the author of All It Takes is one, drop your one big hidden belief and master your life. Tell me more about that and who's that for.

Empathy On The Playground

Dr. Ray Doktor 44:11

That book is for all people, and if anyone was listening to this or watching this and interested, is that it helps you find those hidden beliefs that are negative, that are not supporting you, and also where they stem from and how to counteract them with compassion and love. I'll give you an example. Let's just say I was on this in this conversation with you, and then there's a moment I fumble over my words, and then I want to redo this or tell you, hey, let's edit that out. Like, what would I have to be believing in to really make a big deal about that? How would I have to feel about myself to believe that? Or what what life philosophy must I have to even want to like go back and have that edited? Will it be where I have semi connection to being perfect? In that moment, I might not feel enough to I want people to maybe hear me sound smart, uh, to oh, and I can keep going with that to recognize, oh, it's it's it's an I I realize that I don't feel smart enough, so I don't want to sound stupid. And that's basically why I wanted you to edit that or whatever else. Yes, the book helps you get to that those thoughts that um that measures uh us with something that's negative. And most people have a couple thoughts that are the themes throughout their life and all relationships, all things, whether it's to money, to intimate partner, to their child, to their friends.

Anita Mattu 46:02

It's all that wanting to look good as well.

Dr. Ray Doktor 46:04

Yeah.

Anita Mattu 46:05

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. So, what is one of the most important lessons you've learned over your life so far?

Dr. Ray Doktor 46:13

To not take life so seriously, because it's all a projection of my forever-unfolding consciousness. You know, like um to simplify that is every person listening or watching us had something, some challenge that was in his or her way. It could have been how am I gonna go this breakup to there's something that you think is really important that you think you really want. Then years later you realize that's not what you really needed, or that if he would have taken that path, your life wouldn't be what it is now. And then you recognize, wow, like I'm not that same person. I'm not the same person who was hurting over that breakup. To I don't know why I even wasn't attracted to that guy. That guy's a dick. You know, you know, so we we graduate in our consciousness. And so if we can remember that, like we can really perseverate on negative things and feel bad about it. But if we can connect to that truth as far as where we've always had moments of challenges, and if we're here right now, and like some things in our life, and that we see things improving or things are better than we were 10, 15 years ago, then whatever we're stressing about right now will pass. So, you know, and and not taking things so seriously has nothing to do with being passive. It's really about realizing that that doesn't help. And what it is, it's it's putting more power in the trust, trust in the process of life, God, and yourself.

Anita Mattu 48:07

Brilliant. So if there was one key takeaway you want every listener to walk away with today, what would that be?

Dr. Ray Doktor 48:16

Be transparent with yourself. It's a beautiful thing. There's no hiding. Life gets easier.

Anita Mattu 48:23

It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Dr. Ray Doktor 48:26

Thank you.

Anita Mattu 48:27

So, where can the listeners find your online, your book? What's your website, Dr. Ray?

Dr. Ray Doktor 48:33

My website is raydoctor.com. That's r-a-y-d-o-k-o-r.com. And there you can also find my book, but also it is on Amazon and also other retellers. If they don't have it, they can you can ask for it at the bookstore and they can order it for you. And that's the picture of the book. All it takes is one drop your one big hidden belief and master your life. So that's the book, and it's a it's also a workbook as well, meaning that it's not just you reading it, it's actually it'll take you through some experiences.

Anita Mattu 49:11

Yes, and thank you for the copy you sent me. I truly appreciate that.

Dr. Ray Doktor 49:15

You're welcome.

Anita Mattu 49:18

Thank you for sharing your insightful wisdom and knowledge with us today. And by doing so, I know you have helped so many people and made a difference. I really want to acknowledge you for that, Dr. Ray Doctor.

Dr. Ray Doktor 49:32

Thank you.

Anita Mattu 49:33

So we are all about Create the Courage to Be Fearless podcast here. What is your definition of courage?

Giving, Boundaries, And Contribution

Dr. Ray Doktor 49:38

What is my definition of courage? Um, if you notice this moment, I'm not answering right away, and I'm doing it purposely. If I were in front of a hundred thousand people, or just you or whatever, it's being able to take pause to take pause and not even answer, to reflect, even when maybe you believe the rest of the world is waiting for you to give a response or answer or show up. There's a sense of unnecessary urgency on our planet, and it takes courage to sit in your own timing, and that has to do with everything, your soul evolution, your parenting style, for things to come together, and yeah, because a lot of people really are in a hurry and missing life. There's this, you know, overstimulated nervous system syndrome thing happening. And when you can take pause, um you can really, really, really experience source energy and God move through you. And it takes courage to lean into that space because many people are really stressed. Yeah, I'm I'm not one of those people.